Feeling Good In Your Own Skin with Dajon Ferrell

We waste a lot of energy feeling down, insecure, and detached from our bodies. On today’s episode with Trauma Advocate, Military Veteran, and Public Speaker, Dajon Ferrell (she was also a guest on episode 23), we chat body love, moving intuitively for joy instead of weight loss, and why self love is the greatest catalyst for up leveling our bodies AND our lives.

Get in Touch with Dajon:
Her website: https://www.dajon.love/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dajon.love/

Get in Touch with Jaclyn:
+ Website: www.jaclynsteele.com/selfdiscoverypod
+ Instagram: @jaclynsteele
+ Youtube: youtube.com/officialjaclynsteele
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Transcript

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Well, hello, hello, hello from Oklahoma City. My husband and I and our three pups are making our way from the Midwest where we were visiting my family, which leads into today's topic, which is keeping your inner peace while navigating delicate family relationships. And we are now on our way to Arizona had a stop in Oklahoma City where we've been in an ice storm the last two and a half days, but we've survived it. We had our first like, big what I would say is RV experience break in navigating an ice storm and the power going out not having enough propane, etc. But we got through it, we kept our positive attitudes and we feel like we are much better prepared for the next challenge that we face in this new territory of RV living. Before I dive in to today's topic, I want to do a self discovery spotlight. And this is a part of the show where I just highlight listeners who have left really wonderful reviews for this podcast on Apple podcasts makes such a giant difference in the algorithm and the searchability of the podcast etc. So if you haven't left a review, please take a couple minutes and do so it makes such a giant difference. This one is from an I love this screen name, especially if you are somebody who's lived in Georgia or knows about this band, you'll know exactly what this screen is all about. But it's 80 alien, so back the hell off me. And this person said powerfully insightful five stars, Jacqueline does an amazing job speaking to the heart of life matters that affect us all. Through her own experience and introspection, she's able to paint perspective as well as give clear action steps when necessary. She's one to model for sure. Heart of pure gold. Thank you for this lovely, lovely review. I am absolutely honored. So I feel like I have one more slightly sensitive subject to dive into today beyond today's topic of conversation, and that is the elections in the United States. I'm recording this podcast on a Thursday, the Thursday prior to election day. But this podcast episode is going to be coming out on Wednesday, so the day after our national election. And I just want to address a couple of things because no matter the election results, these are some things that I feel like hold true. And the first one is, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I see so many people slamming each other on social media and in the media in general, and in real life. And the truth is, everybody has a brain of their own, and we're all entitled to our own opinions. Some people believe things that I have a very hard time believing. However, in the United States, they have that right to believe whatever it is that they want to believe me belittling someone or shaming them does no good. And it just creates more negativity in an environment that is already terribly negative. We have to consider where we are placing our energy as we are responsible for what we put out. And you have to think how do you want to feel during the day? How do you want people to feel in your presence? Do you want to feel angry and stuck and helpless? Or do you want to create an energy that propels you and others forward? The choice is ours. And for me, I want to do what I can with what I have not focus my efforts on battling someone with a different political view. So I just want to encourage everyone to hold grace and space for people who are different from us. That is what our country is all about. We're supposed to all have a safe place here. No matter I believe, no matter our religious background, no matter our race, no matter our sexual orientation. There is supposed to be a place for each of us in this country. And we have to be sensitive to that everybody is entitled to their opinion, even if it's something that I don't agree with something that you don't agree with. That's o k, it's part of the very fabric of our country. Next thing I want to touch on is this. If we put all of our stock into our government, we are missing out. And what I mean by that is real change in my opinions. starts at a community level. And it starts with us as individuals. Elections are important. And I'm all for participating in elections, I have voted in every election since I was 18 years old and able to vote. But we can't depend on politicians to enact change. There is so much happening in the government, there's corruption, there's bureaucracy, there's all kinds of jargon and systems that every single bill and law and opinion has to go through. And if we really want change in our country, then the change has to start with us as individuals. And it has to start in our families and our communities, and our cities and our states and go from there. If we depend solely on politicians to change everything, My belief is that we will be waiting forever. And when we continuously give our power away, we're doing ourselves and each other a disservice, the more we can take the power back into our own hands, and take responsibility for the kind of lives that we want to live. And the kind of programs and opportunities that we want for other people, the better off our society will be as a whole. Again, if we are solely putting all of our stock and energy into politicians to do this for us, I think we will be forever disappointed. So that's my two cents on the election, I have, like I said, I'm recording this on a Thursday, I have no idea who won. But I do know this, whoever it is that one, I am going to be praying for them and sending them love, no matter their political affiliation. Because I want the leader of the free world, to have that kind of support from me, whether I agree with them or not on all issues. That's not really the point, it's that we need to be a unified country. And that's going to require us to do uncomfortable things at times, and send love and prayers for people that sometimes we don't like. So, again, I'm trying to look at this with Grace, I'm trying to look at others with grace, and love. And just understand that we're all human, we all are doing the best. And this, I firmly believe this, we're all doing the best we can with what we have and the information we have. And that's all we can go off of. So again, no matter where you stand, I want you to know that I love you. And I'm sending you positive vibes and positive energy, because that's what we need, we need you to light up and go be loving and kind and a change maker in your family and your community. Okay, I think I went on enough in regard to the election, I am going to now go into today's topic, which is keeping your inner peace while navigating delicate relationships. And I think the timing of this is really perfect. Because even in my own family, there's so much drama and trauma around where people stand politically. And it is even divided my family in many ways, there are people who aren't speaking to each other anymore. I'm not based solely on that. But that is a very, very large part. And it's such a tragedy. And I think so often in life, we are put into situations, maybe of our own doing maybe not that require us to either grow and expand, or they push us into our old habits. And what I want to talk about is creating space within these delicate and sometimes traumatic relationships for your self, to have the wherewithal to decide whether you want to grow and expand or whether you want to fall back into those old habits. And what are they called roles, family roles. So I'm going to give you a tiny bit of background. If you want a more extensive background on me and my family history. I did write an ebook called didn't break me. And the link for it is in the show notes, and it's part of my email list. So if you sign up for my email list, you'll automatically get my ebook didn't break me. And I go into a lot more detail there. But I've had a fairly difficult family history. I've had long periods of not having a relationship with my father. And that was due primarily to having a stepmother Didn't want my brother and I around. And so she created a lot of division, a lot of drama, trauma, you know, use your imagination probably happened. It's been a wild 20 years in my life and there's been a lot of hurt, and a lot of pain. And a lot of circumstances that I've been thrown into my brother's been thrown into that we had absolutely no control over. And then the expectations on the other end of that were that often we were supposed to just keep our cool. And while being kind, and being calm, are two things that I value highly. I also value my inner peace and my own integrity. And so as I've weathered the storms over the last 20 years, I feel like I have learned a lot. And my progression, I feel like has been slow. But when I look at my progression over the last 20 years, I'm really quite a different person than I was when I was first thrown into this situation. And at this point in my life. This stepmother is no longer around, my, my dad is divorced. And I want to move into a new era with peace. I don't know exactly what that looks like, I want to do a podcast on forgiveness and talk about that I'd even love to have my dad on the podcast to talk about forgiveness. But I am, if I'm honest with you, I'm not quite there yet, there's still some stuff that I am working through actively and trying to wrap my head around so that I can completely, completely forgive. But what I want right now is to let go of bitterness and to cultivate a peaceful relationship. Because I don't at this point, even though in some situations, I think cutting people out of your life is the healthiest thing to do. And I have done that during certain periods. I don't want that to be my future. I don't want there to be separation between me and anybody in my family. Now, just because I don't want there to be separation doesn't mean that I don't want there to be boundaries. I think boundaries are absolutely necessary. But I want to talk about several things, when it comes to specifically keeping your inner peace while navigating delicate relationships. And the first one is to address your expectations. When it comes to relationships, especially delicate ones where there's been a lot of pain and trauma, we have to address our own expectations. What are we expecting from this person? Have they been capable of following through with that in the past? Is this a realistic expectation? If they do not meet this expectation? How will that make me? How will that make you feel? I am in no way an advocate for lowering your expectations of people. I've heard that saying before, like, lower your expectations. I'm not a fan of that because I don't want to let super excuse my language shield your children's ears, I don't want to let super shitty behavior pass. Because I don't have any expectations, because I have low expectations of other people. I am However, an advocate for having realistic expectations. Because you can't expect someone who has done things one way for a very long time to all of a sudden do a 180 and do things the way that you want them to, especially if you haven't verbalized your expectations to them. In that same vein, zebra isn't going to change their stripes. a therapist told me that years ago and I think it's so true, people are capable of changing but expecting them to change according to what you want from them is unfortunately very realistic. And believe me, I've tried and I failed more than more times than I want to admit in that department. But it's so so important, especially when you are in a delicate relationship that you have realistic expectations. And then if there is an expectation or a boundary that you have, you have to verbalize it. You can't expect people to read your mind. So for instance, if somebody has a history of not following through of not showing up and you're trying to repair a relationship with them because there is a deep love there a deep connection when they say Hey, I'll call you later. What you can say when it comes to to having a realistic expectation and having a boundary, you can say, Hey, I appreciate you saying that. But as we're rebuilding this relationship, it is my expectation that you actually do Call me later. And not forget or not push it to next week, I expect you to follow through on what you say. And if you can't meet that expectation, then please tell me. So it doesn't have to be anything rude. You don't have to call people out or shame them. But I think verbalizing your expectations are such an important part of building and navigating delicate relationships. And sometimes people will surprise you in a good way. And that is great. And I think that you should be open to that and keep your heart open and as much as you feel comfortable. But let it be a surprise and not something you are holding them to in your head, or you will likely be disappointed. Okay, the next thing I want to talk about in keeping your inner peace while navigating delicate relationships is honesty. This is not only honesty, with the other person, this is getting honest with yourself. Because and this is one of the biggest lessons that I've learned, you are the only thing you can control, I am the only thing that I can control. So being vulnerable with yourself and vulnerable with the person you are trying to build a relationship with, is, in a lot of ways a necessity. And Renee brown does such a great job, such a great job of talking about the nuances of vulnerability and how to open up and be vulnerable. And I highly recommend all of her books, especially daring greatly. By but in this instance, I think the most important important thing is that you get vulnerable with yourself and you get honest about your own feelings. And the level of hurt that this person or this relationship has caused you, whether that's a lot, or just a little if you're being overdramatic, and how willing you are to put in the work of repairing a relationship and then putting boundaries around how that will look in your life. Is it fully letting somebody in? Is it slowly letting somebody in? I think all of that is something that you really need to think about. If you want to keep your inner peace, I have a tendency to just kind of let the floodgates open and be because I my natural bent is to be super loving and gooey, gooey. And just like if you're in my circle, I'm going to tell you how much I love you. And you're going to know that you are valued and listened to, etc. But in delicate relationships or traumatic relationships, I have learned over the past 20 years that I can't just open those floodgates right back up, it has to be a step by step process where I lower the wall for my own safety. So I hope that that makes makes sense. So much of the trauma that I've experienced in my life centers around my parents divorce, and a lot of the subsequent decisions that were made in the 14 years after that. And so, again, part of the vulnerability that is required and getting honest, is being vulnerable with yourself. For me, specifically, I had to get brutally honest with how I felt about what happened to me. I don't want to go into all the details. Again, I talked about some of it in my ebook. But for years, I tried to combat the softness of my heart with trying to be tough, and be impenetrable. And that swing of the pendulum is not healthy either. Because as humans, if we want to experience the bounty of life, we have to be open to experiencing the good and the bad, and the bad. And if you're just trying toughing it out and trying to be impenetrable. You create this wall where it's hard to feel anything at all. And I certainly did that for a while and it was not healthy for me at all. So I had explore some of the beliefs that I had around what happened in my life and how those events made me feel. And then whether or not my beliefs were healthy for me to hold on to, or actually believe to be true. And here's the skinny like this is painful stuff. Keeping your inner peace while navigating delicate relationships is not easy. And being a human and in relationships with others is messy. It doesn't matter if it's a family member or a friend or an acquaintance. Being a human is hard. And I dealt with a lot of self esteem issues and negative beliefs. Because I didn't believe my dad saw me. I felt replaced, I felt abandoned, I felt discarded, I felt unworthy, and I felt incredibly angry. And all of my feelings are legitimate. However, and this is the kicker, guys, all of my feelings are also my responsibility. Because no one can fix these feelings in me, only I can heal from them. And that might mean reading books that might mean going to therapy, that might mean doing different types of healing work like Reiki or chiropractic work to release trauma in the body, or acupuncture, whatever it is, I can go to others and get healing. But at the end of the day, no one can heal my hurt. And no one can shift my thought paradigm, or ask better questions, or get into a better headspace, or forgive or love or be honest. But me, only I can do those things only you can do those things. And we're doing ourselves a disservice and giving our power away. If we are expecting others to do that for us, or expecting others to apologize, that's not a powerful way to live. And I want to in this podcast empower you in every possible way I can. And one of the best ways to do that is for me to encourage you to take responsibility and ownership of your own feelings. One thing that's really, really helped me with this is Byron Katie's book, a mind at home with itself. And I'll link that in the show notes. And she also has a phone app called the work. And this app is something that I use regularly, especially when I'm navigating difficult relationships and trying to keep my inner peace or just trying to keep any kind of sense of calm. And essentially, I again, highly recommend her book a mind at home with itself and her app the work. But essentially, she asks you questions, and then you have a thought turnaround. And So question number one is, is this belief true? Question number two is? Can you absolutely know it's true? Question number three, is how do you react? Or what happens when you believe that thought? And Question number four is, who would you be with out the thought? That's my favorite question. I want to do a podcast on asking yourself powerful questions and empowering questions. Because the kind of questions that you ask yourself have such a giant impact on your mindset? Anyways, these questions are supposed to turn your thought or belief around. And I'm going to do this in real time for you guys right now. So here's an example. The belief my dad doesn't care enough about me to include me in his life. Question number one, is it true? No, it's not. If I'm honest, have there been times it has felt that way? Absolutely. But there's also been a lot of evidence that my dad loves me. Question number two, can you absolutely know it's true? And that's the belief that my dad doesn't care enough about me to include me in his life? And my answer is no, I cannot. There have been numerous times that my dad has tried to show his love for me and the ways that he knows how, and those count that is effort on his part. It's not fair for me to hold him to a perfect standard. And it's not fair for me, to expect him to be the kind of father I want him to be at this point in time. Question number three. How do you react when you believe that thought? How do I read? How do I react when I actually believe that my dad doesn't care enough about me to include me in his life? It makes me feel small. It makes me feel angry. It makes me feel bitter. It makes me create a whole narrative in my head about what I want to say to him, and it's not very nice. There are a lot of expletives included, and it makes me really upset and it tends to make me spin into a downward spiral that ends in me feeling again, very small and lacking In self confidence, because I think a lot of our confidence comes from the way we feel like our parents see us. That's a whole other subject. Next question is, who would I be without this thought, I would be a child of an imperfect man who is doing the best he knows how to deal. And the reality is, we're all children of imperfect parents, we often, and now I'm speaking specifically of me and my own dad, we often speak different languages. But there are many things that we do have in common, and enjoy doing together. If we can get along, I would be much less burdened. If I didn't carry this belief anymore, I would feel more worthy and deserving. And I would feel a sense of emotional freedom, if I no longer had this thought. So the turnaround of the thought the original belief was, my dad doesn't care enough about me to include me in his life. And the turnaround after those questions is, my dad is doing the best he knows how to do to include me in his life. Okay, next thing I want to address is, and I touched on this questions, asked questions instead of reacting. This is far easier said than done, and I've lost it before and verbally vomited my feelings. However, this hasn't been very productive for me. And it's not usually a very good way to move forward in a relationship if you want a healthy relationship with this person. So in my experience, when I'm triggered, asking a question, instead of reacting is a much better solution if you want to keep the peace, not only with this person that you're building a relationship with, or navigating a relationship with, but also with yourself. So the example is, how do you think it makes me feel when you say something like that? Or how do you think you would feel if you were put in this situation? Or, if I did what you did to me? Would you trust you? And the person you are asking these questions of, we'll show you who they are with their answers. So again, instead of reacting instead of losing your cool and increasing your own adrenaline in your own fight or flight response, if you can take a deep breath. And meditation is such a big part of my life, I meditate every morning, because it just helps me to calm the F down. But if you can take a deep breath, and ask whoever is triggering you, or whoever is making you angry, these questions and acoem way, it is, in my experience, a way to defuse the anger, or defuse the negative energy in that moment. But also, it's a good indicator of who this person really is. And if you want to continue cultivating a relationship with them, based on their answers, Maya Angelou said something like when people show you who they are, believe them. And finally, at 34 years old, that's something that I'm doing. I think, for most of my life, I've wanted to believe that people are. I've always wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt. And I love that about my personality. And I want to continue giving people the benefit of the doubt. But if you have a history with somebody, and they continue to do the same things over and over and over, then believe them. Don't try to keep changing it. Don't try to keep going back if it's not a healthy situation for you. Okay, next thing I want to talk about in keeping your inner peace while navigating delicate relationships is power. Power. And this is not about having a power struggle, and you having more power over another person at all. It's stop giving your power away. We have to have boundaries and delicate relationships. We teach people how to treat us, and we can do that consciously or subconsciously. But I suggest that we do it consciously. And that means have clear boundaries with this person. An example of that might be I would love to have a cup of coffee with you. But I'd rather not do that at your house. Would you mind meeting me at wherever. Or if you keep shouting at me, I will hang up the phone. Or if you continue to speak that way, or treat me that way. I will no longer come around. Or if you have something you need to address with me please do. I'm not willing To keep having passive aggressive comments thrown my way, or I love you, but I'm not willing to spend the weekend at your house, I will make my own accommodations. And we can make plans that work for both of us from there. Having boundaries can be very uncomfortable for you and the person on the receiving end. And it can feel like such a stretch as you are creating these boundaries and then verbalizing them. But I guarantee you, they will make your life so much better. And if I know anything, it is this, my mom used to tell me all the time growing up, and especially through my parents divorce, you teach people how to treat you. And again, we can do that consciously or subconsciously, I want to do that consciously. I want people to know that I have certain expectations and relationships, and certain expectations around how I allow other people to treat me and talk to me, because I have self respect. And we all should have enough self respect to have those boundaries in place so that we're not having that negative kind of BS just trickling in our lives day in and day out. Oh, goodness gracious. I used to bend over backwards for people because I thought that that was the Christian way, or the spiritual thing to do. I morphed and I squeezed myself into situations that would leave me feeling hollow and emotionally abused. I even put myself in situations that were dangerous and lead to some serious drama. And the question that I have for myself and for you is what is spiritual or Christian about any of that? Nothing. We have to know when to step back, and when to walk away. Ultimately, and this is what I want to end with my peace. My inner peace is my own responsibility. Your peace is your responsibility. You have to actively protect it. And this can mean having a heightened sense of awareness as you navigate difficult and delicate relationships. And just remember my beautiful beautiful listener. No one can steal our peace unless we let them. You have been listening to self discovery with Jaclyn Steele. For more information or to submit a question please visit Jaclyn steele.com slash self discovery pod. On Instagram I am at Jaclyn Steele and that's j AC Li n s t e l e and on YouTube you can find me@youtube.com slash official Jaclyn Steele. If you haven't already, please sign up for my high vibe Thursday newsletter where I send one email a week aimed at inspiring and elevating your day because you freaking deserve it. You can sign up in the show notes or by visiting my website Jaclyn steele.com. May you go and be big and brave and bold today. Remember that life gets easier when we know who we are. And as always, and until next time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for listening