Unblocking love with Re.Love creator and author, Dr. Ezzie Spencer

Dr. Ezzie Spencer is the creator of the re.love method, which helps women to overcome unconscious blocks that hold them back from receiving the love they desire.

Dr. Ezzie’s approach is a fusion of transformational coaching, feminine embodiment processes and applied positive psychology, which facilitates deep and lasting change in her clients’ lives through building unshakeable self-worth.

Ezzie is also the author of the best-selling book Lunar Abundance: Cultivating Joy, Peace and Purpose Using the Phases of the Moon (Hachette) — and the companion Lunar Abundance Reflective Journal — which have taught tens of thousands of women worldwide to harness the power of the moon cycle to reconnect with their intuition, creativity and emotional well-being. Both are available internationally wherever books are sold.

In a former life, Ezzie worked as a human rights lawyer and completed her Ph.D in the area of women’s safety and relationship healing.

She is an absolute delight and I know you will fall in love with her in today’s episode.  

CONNECT WITH DR. EZZIE SPENCER:
Website: https://www.ezziespencer.com/
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BOOKS BY DR. EZZIE SPENCER:
Lunar Abundance
Lunar Abundance: Reflective Journal

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Light, Love, & Peace,

Jaclyn Steele

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

So the real method is to bounce. Okay, cool. Like you've got these walls around your heart metaphorically around your heart. We're starting on the island and we're going across you are going to come out into the world, we're going to help you to go through the moat to this beautiful, sumptuous, amazing, delicious, gorgeous guy. You know, on the other side of the garden is the lack of your own creation like this is, you know, this is where you live with a with a real open heart. It's your place.

Jaclyn Steele: 0:27

Hi, I am Jaclyn Steele, and welcome to self discovery. Howard Thurman so beautifully wrote, don't ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive, coming alive. That, my friends, is what self discovery is all. You aware that my dearest listeners today, I have on the podcast, Dr. z Spencer, I am delighted to be able to introduce you to this incredible, incredible woman who in my eyes just continually and courageously co creates with the divine. To share her work with us. She wrote a book that I have in my hands right now called lunar abundance. It's about cultivating joy, peace and purpose using the phases of the moon. And she's also the creator of the real love method, which is helping women overcome their blocks to love and create a love story of their own design. She is a leader in this kind of work. And some fun facts about her that I think are important for you to know is that she started her career as a lawyer in Australia with a focus on relationships, safety and healing. So she has been doing this deep, deep relational work for a long time, she completed her PhD in therapeutic jurisprudence, women's safety and relationship healing. During her doctorate, she started one on one transformational coaching, initially as a passion project, and now it's her full time job. And that coaching led to running lunar abundance, which was a group program for 600 students. She has a best selling book, which I mentioned lunar abundance, and a journal that has supported 10s of 1000s of people around the world and help them cultivate joy, peace and self love. Oh, what can I mean what can be cooler than that. And now, she has completed a diploma and positive psych and started coaching clients specifically around love, and self worth. You guys know self worth is my area of study and obsession. And you guys know that self worth is the area in which I focus a lot of my efforts. So I am so delighted to share this conversation that I had with Dr. z Spencer with you. And without any further ado, let me so joyfully introduce this wonderful, wonderful woman. Here she is. I'm feeling so grateful today, because I am joined by Dr. z Spencer. She's an author. She's a coach, she has her juris doctorate. So she's a lawyer as well. Just an incredible woman. Thank you for being here so much. Oh, it

Unknown: 3:43

is such a pleasure to be here. Thank you for inviting me. And thank you for everyone listening and tuning in as well.

Jaclyn Steele: 3:49

I know that you guys are just going to be in for such a treat. today. I found Dr. z Spencer because I read her book lunar abundance. For those of you that can't see it, it is the most gorgeous book about cultivating joy, peace and purpose using the phases of the moon. And I just kind of fell in love with you while I was reading the book. And so then when I saw you on Instagram, and I reached out and asked you to be part of my podcast, and you said yes, I was like the stars aligned. Perfect. It's perfect. Yeah, this does the universe. It did. It did. Well, I would love to ask you some questions because I know you have a brand new launch your real love program, which I'm so excited to talk to you about. You do a lot of work around love dating and relationships. And I'm happily married. But even within my marriage, I at times feel myself being scared of true intimacy. Can you touch on identifying and overcoming internal blocks to love and what that looks like in action?

Unknown: 4:58

Absolutely. Am I Hold this question so much, right. And I feel like, you know, the first thing that comes to mind is that Rumi quote, which is to paraphrase, you know, we're not here to seek love, but here to find all of those ways that we're blocking at all of these inner barriers that we create, to prevent ourselves from really being love. And this quite a spiritual dimension into the real love. Work. Yes, it's about love and dating and relationships, and those intimate romantic relationships can be the portal into some of the deepest gray is love, and I will talk about that. Um, but you know, what's also really interesting, I think, is looking at the human condition in a way as being, like, it's part it's a nature of being human, I do believe that we've incarnated in part to remember our true essence and to work our way through it right, like, and if we're brought to love, we don't need to internalize it as a personal failing, because

Jaclyn Steele: 6:10

no, I feel tears welling up in my eyes, because I could not agree with you more, we are here to return to who we really are. And that is love. It is, it really is. Yeah,

Unknown: 6:27

yeah, it really, really is. And, you know, on this earthly plane, it just keeps going. Right. So, you know, whether where you know, you know, intimate romantic relationship or marriage, like you, if we are seeking to enter into partnership, or even, you know, going through the, you know, platonic relating, connecting with humanity, you know, connecting with our family on a deeper level of nature, you know, the animals that's like, on the earthly plane, you know, it just keeps going, we can continue to open up into greater intimacy, you know, vulnerability, can Oh,

Jaclyn Steele: 7:05

yeah, I feel like vulnerability for me is the word that comes up and vulnerability, while in some relationships, I can be so vulnerable, and I have no hesitation. I feel like in intimate relationships, I am just at 34 years old, and I've been married now for 10 years. Understand, I know, I got married as a child. But I'm realizing how I have held myself back from my partner in certain areas. And again, I'm just realizing this now because of my own fear of rejection, or abandonment. And I think that that is an important thing to talk about. Because even though I'm married, and I've been in a marriage for over a decade, I'm still peeling back, all of these layers, where I'm blocking myself from that won't be the right word portal of just pure, unconditional love. So for a listener who might be struggling, opening up in a dating relationship, what would be a good piece of advice to give to them? Um, or like, Where to start?

Unknown: 8:26

Where to start? Exactly? Well, I think that the web portal is such a perfect one, right. And this is actually why I love working with women who are dating. And I work with women who are also happily married as well here, like, I just want to go even deeper. But a lot of the women that I work with are dating and so you know, the dating process is absolutely going to press buttons and bring everything up to the surface. And then you can deepen into greater love portal into greater love, just simply by being very aware, you know, of what's going on in that space of real, you know, uncertainty, but also chemistry and excitement, and all of the things so, you know, the awareness is that first step, right. And so when I work with someone, what I do is support them to, you know, get to what is at the root, you know, of something that's going on for them. And usually, when there's an emotional response, or for example, you know, I'll tell you a personal story, actually, just to give you a little bit more illustration to what I've that tell you. You know, I went through a period in my life where I was attracting unavailable people all the time, right, you know, they'd always show up and look very different each time. You know, one person would be like, Oh, this guy is it right? You know, I mean to mentor these guys. Yeah. And then of course, then suddenly he turned out to have a girlfriend did he never told me about another guy would be like, Okay, great single really thing go, you know that that one, but they're not actually in a place of emotional availability or, you know, willingness to really show up and enter into, you know, a longer term relationship setting. And, you know, the next guy might be someone who's like, Oh, this is it, okay, he really wants it. Like, he was very janky I totally think a lot of things. And then suddenly, he's moving overseas, right? You know, so there's so many ways, if anyone is listening, it's like, oh, my gosh, same thing, different costume, right. And so, I remember walking down the street, I just remember so vividly with a friend. And there it was, I was getting attached to another person who was you know, unavailable, emotionally unavailable in that particular case. And I remember my friend turned to me and said, you know, but what if, you know, he was available? You know, what, what, what if he actually was there for you right now. And I remember just stopping dead in the tracks. Because I was, as we say, in Australia, you know, which means I stopped still in the street feeling like I've been hit by lightning bolt. Because, for me, the prospect of having that person who was the object of obsession for me, you know, really, at that point in time, and during that tasting pursuit mode, you know, the idea of him actually being available, struck so much fear into my heart. Oh, wow. I was like, No, I'm actually terrified of someone who's awake. It's me, I'm available for a relationship. And in that deep sense, right, you know, committed partnership, I was very fine getting into the more, you know, superficial, or the lighter sort of relationships and more casual relating the ones that weren't really going anywhere, or, you know, where the other person was so much more invested in me, but I sort of had one foot out the door, right, you know, those relationships, I find my mind I could attract them a dime a dozen, do you know, but something that was real, was absolutely terrifying to me. And so coming back to that point that I made around self awareness, bringing to the root of what was actually going on, for me in that situation was that the terror of being trapped, you know, and so going to the root of that fear, and what, you know, relationship actually meant for me on the unconscious level, what kind of imprints on a deep, like energetic, you know, spiritual, you know, childhood kind of modeling basis, what was like carrying around what I thought, a very deep committed relationship was, you know, and I actually thought it was better wasn't just thinking, in my conscious mind, of course, when I was when I say thought there, you know, I'm talking about deep sense inside of myself that I thought it was actually bad to be on my own because I thought a relationship with the tracks,

Jaclyn Steele: 12:51

probably isn't that the catalyst is uncovering these subconscious beliefs where whatever we learned in our childhood is driving the car. And we have to stop and go, Wait a second. And I so relate to that story. Before I got married, the men that I dated, I was the emotionally unavailable one, I grew up, my parents are divorced. And I think one of my subconscious beliefs was, I have to be in charge. I'm not gonna let anybody not, I'm not gonna let anybody tell me what to do, how to feel anything. And it wasn't until I peel that back and went, wait a second. I don't always have to be in charge. And actually, it feels kind of good not to be in charge all the time. That was when I met my now husband. And so what you are doing is such a, it's such vital work if we want to have healthy relationships. Yes. It's also a question I think that's important for people to ask themselves to is, do you want a healthy relationship? Or is there some stuff that you're still trying to work out before you're ready to have this healthy relationship? Because a healthy relationship is a fair amount of work, whether you're super compatible or not. It still requires a lot of effort.

Unknown: 14:16

Yes, exactly. And then what I also find, when when, by the time they come to work with me, it's that that also they might want the relationship but then on a deep level, they don't really feel like they deserve to have that next level, beautiful, healthy love, which in their heart of hearts, they're yearning for that maybe they haven't had the role models in their life that have shown them you know, or conditioned them again, like giving them that unconscious imprint that it's actually you know, it that they are worthy, you know, it's possible for them like that. Love

Jaclyn Steele: 15:00

I love so much that you bring in self worth. Because self worth is like my area that I work with people into. Because in everything that I have witnessed in life, not everything, but I would say 90%. So much of what is at the root of these problems, in business, in relationships, in relationships with ourselves, is a low self worth. Problem. Yeah. And it's tragic. And I think about this is, and I'm sure you can relate to this, too. I fantasize about what it would be like, if women truly understood how powerful and talented we are. That's a totally different place. Absolutely. Okay, next question. feminine magnetism. I know, in my bones, all women have it. But I also know that we are so skilled at covering it up. Even if that's a subconscious covering,

Unknown: 16:05

can you define feminine magnetism for us? And what healthy feminine magnetism looks like in action? Absolutely. And I love that question about what it looks like in action. Because I would say that's almost the easiest thing to define, which is, it's very inbound, right? When you're really standing in your self, and you have a strong sense of self, and you're deeply rooted in your worth your intrinsic value, as a, as a human, but here, we're talking about feminine magnetism. And yes, you know, of course, everybody, all genders have access to, you know, to that feminine principle. But, you know, it's very much around then being in the flow, and having a beautiful inbound flow of what it is that you desire. And it sounds like, really simple. But of course, it requires a lot of being, it requires embodiment, and it requires creation of space. And there's a tremendous amount of trust, that needs to be felt in oneself in life in one's own ability to be able to discern the right opportunities, the right people, the right flow, as well. And so a lot of the time, you know, when I'm working with people, what we're realizing, again, coming back to this idea of blocks, you know, I think most women, you know, are deeply rooted in a sense of feminine magnetism at an innate level, but they're blocking it. Why? Because there's a tremendous amount of fear, a lot of the time that what might happen, you know, if they open, you know, the doors to their heart, they allow themselves to be fully seen, you know, the visibility piece, but also fully felt, because it's appealing, like the feminine is felt, right? Mm hmm.

Jaclyn Steele: 18:05

A couple things come up. I've been working with someone and she keeps telling me, you have got to let people give, you're always trying to do do do you know, if somebody asks you a question you will answer and then immediately ask the question back, because you're curious, it comes from a good place. But you have got to get in the practice of receiving love from other people without trying to give it back. And that was a big aha moment for me. Because I'm not good at simply receiving, I always like my heart is to want to give back and to keep the conversation going. But I'm practicing actively now accepting that love or that attention without some kind of reciprocity. The second thing that came up, I have an example of female magnetism. And I remember this, like it was yesterday. So it's a juxtaposition. My freshman year of high school. Before I had experienced like deep pain, and deep, deep trauma. I was a magnet for everything. It was, but I you know, I came out of the chute, I was confident I was friendly. I had no fear and talking to older people and talking to my peers. I just loved everyone. I loved being in relationships. I loved going after what I wanted. So if I wanted to be in a certain club in school, I would just try out and go for it and see what happened. I had just very, very little fear. So I felt like I was very much in my feminine magnetism. then fast forward to my freshman year of college, post, trauma, post deep, deep pain, and I remember being at Club, my freshman year of college. And feeling like I was invisible. And I was like, I know that I'm here. But I can feel that no one else feels my presence. And that is within me. And I was, you know, 19 years old. And I didn't know how to articulate it at the time, and I certainly didn't know how to fix it. But I knew what it felt like to turn that power off. And it is, it feels like a void. Yeah, totally against our natural nature.

Unknown: 20:40

Yes, yeah, for sure. And I think that so many women walk through life with that cloak of invisibility, their nature or going against their their strengths, you know, how life can actually be a lot more easy, flowing. You know, by wearing that cloak of invisibility usually is a safety mechanism as a coping mechanism. You know, and I'm a big proponent of you know, celebrating self protection at the time when it's necessary. But then also recognizing when it is outdated? Hmm. Oh, yes.

Jaclyn Steele: 21:23

I feel like that's such a big aha moment. And I'm so glad that you brought that up. Because I think there is a really big difference. Like, there are times in life where it's okay to hibernate to draw back. I am a songwriter to I can't remember if I told you that, but I have this song that I wrote called poet in the woods. I haven't released it. But it's that whole concept of like, I needed to heal, and I needed to withdraw in order to do that. And there's a time and a place for that. But then, with going back to what you said about awareness, there's also a time and a place where you go, Okay, this withdrawing is no longer serving me. I've stopped expanding in this moment, I've stopped growing. So now what do I need to do to get into a place of expansion and growth again, and that requires the taking off of the cloak?

Unknown: 22:13

Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, when you've been wearing that cloak for a long time, like, it can be scary or it can be a little rusty. Or you might also, again, like coming back to self worth be feeling like do I even you know, do I deserve the love? You know, do I deserve the, you know, the attention or the accolades, depending obviously, on the context, you know, what we're, what we're working in, do I deserve to be seen and to be enjoyed?

Jaclyn Steele: 22:49

Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Every person on this planet deserves that. All right, we have come to the part of the episode that I have dubbed, these are a few of my favorite things. And today, I'm going to introduce you to organic basics. Here is how they describe themselves on their website. And I think this is significant because it displays their commitment to excellence and also their awesome Danish personality as a company. I have Danish heritage. So I definitely wanted to highlight this part. There is one swear word to follow so shield your children's ears. the fashion industry is a dirty bastard. So we put sustainable thinking at the center of everything. That means we only choose fabrics that care for our environment. And we only ever partner with factories that care about their impact too. When we say sustainability is our core mission, we don't mean that sustainability is nice to have, we mean that it's the only way we act. That mission is why I love organic basics so much well, that and the quality of their items. There's such a giant difference between a fast fashion basic and the quality of what organic basics brings to the table. Their apparel and undergarments are built to last and you will be able to see that before even opening the beautifully branded box they come in. I have their tank and pennies and dusty rose from their tensile collection. Let me just say it was a love connection before I even put them on. The tensile collection is a silky feeling material made sustainably of wood pulp, so freaking soft. And you guys know I'm picky about my color choices and their color selection is just Oh, it's so dang beautiful. Visit organic basics calm and use the discount code in the show notes below. Or you can visit Jaclyn steele.com slash organic basics to pique my favorite ob finds and get 10% off. All links and codes are in the show notes below. And now back to the episode. Oh, okay, I love that you are doing this work because I just feel like you're going to, well, you already have influenced so many women. But this is going to a level in which women are sat in such deep pain, such deep pain. Yeah. So this leads me into my next question, which is perfect. I want to chat your real love method. And I'm so excited about this and this work that you're doing. So give us all the details, tell us what it is.

Unknown: 25:35

Oh my gosh, I love Love, love. I love your enthusiasm as well, you've got such a beautiful glow in the video, but you just totally Miss ah

Jaclyn Steele: 25:47

just, it brings me joy to see other women like yourself doing what you love, because it shows the rest of us what's possible. Yeah, it's beautiful. Like there's nothing more beautiful to me than seeing a woman lit up by you shining by example here that Fisher.

Unknown: 26:10

And you know, it's a tremendous privilege to be able to do the work, which I absolutely love and read out of, it's been a long time coming, you know, so many people found me through the moon, but actually my original Korea was working with dysfunctional relationships. You know, I was a human rights lawyer specializing in domestic violence. And I did my PhD in therapeutic jurisprudence, which is all around, you know, healing after abusive and it was really heavy, you know, that was my, that was my professional career in my 20s. And I had personal experience with it. And, you know, I think that the lunar work, which I did for 10 years was such a beautiful healing balm, you know, for me as well really coming back into a beautiful embodiment with my feminine and it opened the door for for real love, which I'm so excited about, which is now a really creating, you know, this delicious sumptuous experience, you know, it's not about sales first and foremost self love, right, you know, but in the context of opening up a be able to share that love through dating and relationships. So yeah, it's been a journey. And the the real love work has a has a few elements, I suppose it's very magical, you know, I write a book about the moons at the Venetian works gonna be equally magical. And the way that we work through the through the method is essentially, you know, starting with women who a lot of the time feel like they're a bit on an island, you know, with the fortress walls. And if you can imagine one of the old medieval European towns where they would have like, a castle, look at a castle, but no one around you. They say the real method is to say, okay, cool, like, you've got these walls around your heart, metaphorically around your heart, we're starting on the island, and we're going across, you are going to come out into the world, we're going to help you to go through the moat to this beautiful, sumptuous, amazing, delicious, gorgeous guy, you know, on the other side of the garden is the life of your own creation, like this is, you know, this is where you leave with a with a real open heart, it's your place, you know, it's become do you put your feet in the air, like a god and goddess, you have the stars above, it's a place of freedom and life and laughter and magic, and you have an abundance of opportunities, you know, students coming into the door into the garden for you, and, but most importantly, have a deeply rooted sense of self. But the crossing the market path is the bit where people get stuck, right? A lot of people have that vision of the garden. But then when they try to do it themselves, you know, they come into the reality of the change, because it's a lot like shifting from one place that you know that God had fortress, to this amazing kind of place, you know, it was magical, incredible place on the other side, like you have to make profound change inside of yourself, you have to profoundly change your life. And if you're doing that, instead of if you're trying to swim, that cold, scary dark mode, full of creatures, you know, you will hit up against, you know, submerged objects or frequency fences, you'll get scared and you'll get stuck and you know, you will doubt yourself and you'll get lost and so many people end up swimming back. Yes, because it's no one. But actually, there's that sense of there was always something else for me, there was another life. You know, for me that real love which I dreamed about in my heart. You know, it was there, you know, it was there. And so that's what I support women to do. turning into that place where it becomes reality. And, you know, the process of doing it is, you know, we we build a very strong foundation of the self like figuring out, you know, who are you really like when you strip back all the external condition in conditioning about what it is that you should be wanting for yourself, you know, what are these that actually turns you on? You know, oh, yes, emotionally attracted to Hey, what are your needs? What are your self care needs? in relationship as well? Like, what are your relational needs? like? What does that look like? What are your values, you know, who are you now, and so it's a really beautiful, deep dive into all of those elements of what it takes to build, you know, a foundation of who you really are as a grown woman in the world, in authorship of her life, creating the life and the love that she wants. But what I found, you know, cuz I've been doing even though I've created real love, you know, I've been doing this work now for many, many years, different ways. And what I've found, is that what's actually, you know, holding people back from fully embodying this and fully seeing the results in their life is oftentimes not a lack of, you know, knowledge or understanding, you know, intellectual or cognitive knowing of these things. It's, it's oftentimes the deep rooted, deeply rooted wounds, you know, and these sort of existential wounds, played out in sexual situations, a lot of hurt and pain in previous relationships, toxic previous relationships, you know, challenging situations in the childhood environment, sometimes even coming down the intergenerational line like these are for sure. Right. But if you, for example, are feeling extremely guilty about even having needs in the first place, like if you feel like you will be perceived as demanding or bossy, you know, for even having needs, if you feel a sense of shame around those things. And it doesn't matter how much you know, intellectual knowledge you have around what your needs are, or what your strengths are, it doesn't matter how many times someone tells you that you deserve love. If on a deep, deep level, you have an unconscious imprint, something that's operating at that root cause which is not allowing you to fully embody your sense of self worth, then it doesn't, it's not actually ever going to move the needle, right? Eventually, you're just going to get quite stuck in quite disillusioned. And so the process like it's a very deep process in Reserva, we go down into the root and to surface and bring up into the life like what are these old patterns of guilt or shame or fear or lack a bit of a whodunit like an Agatha Christie experience through like one of the unconscious vows that you've made, you know, or that, you know, even in past life, or you know, your ancestors have made, but you're carrying them even on a genetic level. It's very, very puzzling and confusing to realize the cause, you know, what is actually going under the hood that's driving your thoughts and actions or behaviors and choices? Yeah. And really, then bring that up into the light to release those books, release those vows rewrite the vows. So I can I help my clients to create these cute vows expand into the possibility that's available for them and lead them through a very deep recalibration process, like bringing the parts of ourselves along for the journey. So you know, like working with, you know, the might be that, you know, younger versions of ourselves, like the inner child work, it might be even working with spiritual guides or ancestors. So it's an extraordinary, like, coldroom that we drop into, because it's not enough to know these things like self awareness is a great first step. But at some point, not everything. Exactly. I agree. You stop what was originally helpful. Yeah, I can actually end up being a hindrance. And what really needs to happen to deep embodied sense of self worth. And so that's the process which

Jaclyn Steele: 34:04

I resonate so deeply, deeply with this and a couple things come to mind. The first is, this is why it's so important to have a coach because the growth process is terrifying. And human nature when we step out of our comfort zone, our ego, our false self immediately wants to shrink and go back to safety, even if safety looks like something we don't actually want to live in. So I think hiring a coach like you is so vital if we really truly want to make that transition. The second thing is and I love this so much about you is it strikes me that as you are creating you are co creating with God and you are co creating with the universe. And it just seems so obvious to me that you are taking in these beautiful, gorgeous ancient wisdoms and incorporating them into our modern world in a way that allows people to change, and not in a scary way, but in a beautiful invitation. Let's create a better existence kind of way. And that is extraordinary. Oh, well, thank you for saying that. It feels really good. Well, it's I, I know from experience, that to get into that kind of headspace, you have to do a lot of peeling back and sloughing off. And it's a hard, it's, it is a beautiful process. I'll speak from my own experience. It is such a beautiful process. And it's so necessary. But it's not easy. And it requires a lot of bravery. And a lot of going back to the drawing board going, I thought I got this, I thought I understood, and apparently I don't, because I'm in the same effing situation again. So I see that, that you have done that deep, deep, deep work, and now you're creating an offering out of that deep space of healing. And I think that, quite honestly, that's unique in my observation. You know, I think a lot of people want to be teachers. And I love that we're called to be teachers if we know how to do something. But in my observation, there are a lot of people that are teaching things that they haven't yet learned. And you strike me as somebody who has just done such incredible deep, deep work. Well, life has taken me there. Right, right.

Unknown: 36:52

Yeah, yeah. And I think what's really beautiful is that they're always used that gorgeous garden, on the other side. And it can be important to keep sight of that, and to be reminded that, you know, so much love and so much joy on the other side. What can be very dark and challenging times,

Jaclyn Steele: 37:15

we have to trust the process.

Unknown: 37:18

trust the process, and, and make sure you're in the right process as well. Yes, yes. I think it's just your inability to discern what is the right process? And, you know, what really did move the needle for me was being incredibly supported myself by an amazing, you know, Master healer, coach.

Jaclyn Steele: 37:42

Same here, same here. Yeah. And to get to that level two of hiring somebody and saying, I'm worth investing money, time, energy. That is a huge, huge step.

Unknown: 38:04

It truly is. And you can't skip that step. If you want to truly value yourself, you have to demonstrate how much you do value yourself. And I've been fine valuing my business, like my professional self problem, hiring support there over the years.

Jaclyn Steele: 38:24

Right.

Unknown: 38:25

But when it came down to actually hiring the right support to you know, support personal development, you know, I, I didn't feel like I was worthy of it. So I didn't put the money there. And, you know, money isn't the only way that we can demonstrate, you know, commitment to valuing ourselves. But I tell you what happened when I actually invested not just my time and my energy, but also my resources to show the universe how serious I was about how much I valued myself. I mean, it was exponential growth for me at that point.

Jaclyn Steele: 39:02

Sr, I resonate with everything you're saying. I feel like when I put down that huge chunk of change, I was throttled forward, throttled. After years of going, No, I can figure this out on my own. I'm smart. I can get whatever books, I can watch YouTube videos, I can take my online courses and they're great. Yes, they're great. But having that one on one attention, there is nothing like it. Okay. Can I ask you your next question? I want to switch gears and dive into self worth, which I guess really isn't switching gears because we've been talking about self worth. But this is truly like my area of obsession. And I get so many questions from my listeners about establishing healthy boundaries. What are some of your tips for establishing healthy boundaries and sticking to them. So we can prioritize our own needs?

Unknown: 40:06

I think it's a great question. And I'd say there's your two different ways to go about setting boundaries, and they can work in parallel. But ultimately, where you want to get to is the second one. And so I'll speak to what I mean is externally set boundaries or boundaries that you sort of set from the outside in, if you will. And then the second type of boundaries are like the internally generated boundaries. And, you know, I think it's better to have the externally set boundaries, which are things like saying no, or saying, Hey, leave it with me, if you have a tendency to say yes, and if you're a people pleaser, you know, and to, and to strip back your explanation or your reasons as to why you're saying, No, you're declining something, you're you're making a request of someone, and I think all of us have, you know, fallen into that trap of when we are saying, No, we're feeling so bad that we're also setting like a multi paragraph long text message to explain why it is needed to backup or whatever. Right? Do you know? And so, what I'm really interested in, though, whilst I think that second type of boundary is really important, the external out, you know, yes, I'm really interested in the internal boundaries, which is like, why do you feel like you need to write a multi paragraph, text, and usually, it comes back to you feeling guilty? You know, you feel obligated, you're taking over responsibility for the other person's feelings and emotions. And, of course, again, context is everything, you know, just a straight know, can be pretty blunt and inappropriate in some, you know, context, depending upon the nature of the relationship. Right. But, you know, what I tend to really work with people on is that getting down to the root of have, you know, what's actually operating for you at that unconscious level, that's making you feel bad in the first place about not, you know, not just simply just not being able to just be very, like, you know, clean and clear, and you just say, hey, that's not a match, or that's not going to work for me, or how about this? So No, thanks. You know, along those lines. And I think, you know, one of the reasons why that second type of boundary setting is so I think desirable, is that it's so natural and easy. It's like a healthy filtration system that comes when you have a demon,

Jaclyn Steele: 42:52

Oh, I love that metaphor, a healthy filtration system, because then the external boundaries become so much easier, right? So much easier, so much

Unknown: 43:02

easier. And you don't have to go through this whole process of emotional exhaustion, you know, by trying to figure out the right thing to say, or, you know, trying to figure out how it is that the other person is feeling or what's going on, or, you know, again, so many people that I work with tend to be empaths, they tend to be highly sensitive people. And they tend to abstract themselves out of their own experience, they tend to completely disconnect from what their own needs are and prioritize the other person's, you know, needs or experience. So feelings by default, and they don't even realize a lot of the time. That's what they're doing. Why, because that was a survival pattern, a lot of the time that they picked up earlier in life, like it's not their fault, it was actually a really smart strategy in order to stay safe, or to even get ahead. And so one of the things that I find is that so many people that I work with actually extremely high functioning, you know, and they're extremely successful in professional environments, and, you know, they might actually be extremely popular. And on the surface, you know, their relationships might look amazing, you know, but what's actually underneath it is a constant sacrifice of the self. Which,

Jaclyn Steele: 44:17

then are they not sustainable?

Unknown: 44:19

Yeah. Sustainable, because at some point, it's going to lead to an enormous amount of, you know, harbored bit of bitterness and resentment, which again, because there's a disconnection from the cell phone, oh,

Jaclyn Steele: 44:33

it me personally, it led me to an autoimmune disorder. I have hashimotos and hashimotos is rooted in unexpressed emotion. Oh my god, I mean, it physically manifested. And now, as I've put up good boundaries, and thankfully gotten the resources that I needed, it's in remission, but in such a difficult but beautiful way. Call for me to go. I can't keep doing all this people pleasing and putting everybody's needs before me, including all my dogs, like all my friends, all my co workers, everything, my dogs, and then I'll go to the bathroom, or and then I'll take a bath, you know what I mean. And in those moments as an empathic person, you just go, but I want to love on these people, it's coming from such a pure place, and it's not coming from a conscious place of self sacrifice or martyrdom. Right? It's not, but that's why it's so hard to pinpoint. And that's why we need somebody to go, Hey, you don't have to do this anymore. Absolutely, and in fact, if you continue to do this, you're just going to attract people who are going to, you know, be suck the life out. Exactly. That's a very poetic way of saying it, that it's, um, you know, we think that were, you know, being nice or good people or, you know, actually keeping the peace. So keeping harmony in relationships, you know, but then, of course, it's the, it's the self that suffers, there's not that inner peace or that inner harmony, and it creeps up to the point where, you know, that, that psychological or emotional effects can end up being a volcano. You don't even realize what it is that you've been harboring. Or, of course, you know, the physiological, you know, it's just, it's not worth it. No. And for those of you that are listening, who are relating so deeply to this, it doesn't have to be this way, doesn't have to be that way there is. There's light at the end of the tunnel, there's garden, a garden on the other side of the moat. And it can feel scary, it really can feel scary to walk toward that, or swim toward that, but it is possible.

Unknown: 47:08

And it is essential, I think, haha. And I think one of the things that is just really important here, it's like, when you've attracted people into your life on this basis with this dynamic, they've actually given you a lot of positive reinforcement, like these people have been giving you claps exactly that bird's eye view. And I'm not suggesting that, you know, everyone's out there, like consciously manipulating your cause. That's not the case. You know, these are just the kind of dynamics that humans get themselves into, unconsciously, or when it is unconscious, you know, and so the process then of claiming yourself and setting boundaries, or really embracing your needs, and standing up for yourself, can actually be met with resistance and pushback from the people who are closest to you, again, not because they're, you know, bad people, or, you know, they're actively manipulating or exploiting you. A lot of the time. It's just like, hang on a sec, this is not a status quo, either. You know, you've made the decision to change your life and seem towards the garden. They've been benefiting from you're not doing that, right. You're gonna get a whole lot of confetti and applause, you know, from the people closest to you, or all of the people closest to you.

Jaclyn Steele: 48:24

Yeah, I think we can expect pushback.

Unknown: 48:27

Exactly. And I think that reality is key in continuing to continue to keep the faith.

Jaclyn Steele: 48:38

Oh, this is so good. So you probably already know this, but most of us are not breathing properly. That is why breathwork is having such a moment in the wellness space right now and hopefully a very long like forever moment. Because not breathing properly messes up our very biology. shallow breathing can lead to heightened cortisol sweating, increased heart rate among other health issues. It can also increase our anxiety and lead to panic attacks. Deep breathing on the other hand, prompts a calming response to the brain helps to release toxins from the lungs, loosen our glorious muscles and decrease our blood pressure. What if you could ease anxiety and breathe deeper without any kind of medications? What if you could do this with a simple product that was inspired by ancient wisdom has scientifically proven results is endorsed by psychiatrists and designed by a therapist. I am so excited to introduce you to the shift by commu. So design, I'm wearing it right now as I'm recording this and it is a beautiful and simple necklace with an apparatus that you breathe through. And this little necklace helps you to control your breath. So you can decrease your stress hormone cortisol, slowed down your heartbeat, decreased blood pressure, loosen your muscles. And come back into the present moment. The shift was inspired by colusa monks of 17th century Japan, they used a bamboo shakuhachi flute as a healing modality and a method of attaining enlightenment. Love this, this shift also provides stress relief backed by science, you can just visit their website to see all of the amazing results that they have created. It's so simple to use, you take a deep breath, and you exhale through the shift, you relax. And then you repeat five more times. My husband and I both have a shift necklace. And we love them, I have the gold version. It's so gorgeous, and it goes perfectly with all my other layered necklaces. And my husband has the charcoal version, which is masculine and minimalistic, I love the weight of it. I love the way it feels around my neck. And I also love knowing that at a moment's notice I'm feeling a bit of stress, I can stop and breathe through this and come back into the present. It is something that I wear almost every single day. And I think it's something that you will absolutely love to check out this stress transforming necklace at commu. So design that's KOMUSODS ign.com and use code Jaclyn j ac LYN, for 15% off your shift necklace. Now back to the show. Okay, next question. past pain, shame, guilt and feelings of lack. You speak so eloquently on all of these subjects. How do we go about releasing these feelings that so often keep us stuck? Yeah,

Unknown: 51:57

I mean, I think the very first piece in that is, again, that awareness piece, you know, the first step, it's just the first step, you're going to then take the next steps, but you can't take the next steps until you take that first step. And you get honest with yourself that these are patterns that might be running in your life that you might actually have these emotions which are repressed, which he repressed is, again, a protection strategy. Um, you know, that they're there, and they are repressed, you know, and so allowing yourself then there's that second step to actually tenderly start to feel them. You know, and if you're feeling pain and hurt, like it underneath the scar tissue around your heart, you know, you grew the scar tissue is a protection mechanism, right. So even though the scar tissue may no longer be serving a purpose, maybe, you know, your heart is ready to feel again. But you know, it's a very tender process in terms of slowly taking your eyes slowly, gently dissolving those those scars and, and allowing yourself to feel to feel what's there. You know, and again, this is why it can be so helpful to work with someone going through this process where you can be held in a very supportive and loving container. We talk about container, it's like an energetic container and space where this can be opened up and felt. And then it's actually surprisingly fast to be able to translate emotions, right. And that pain, it doesn't have to be like a multi year long integration process. Yeah,

Jaclyn Steele: 53:49

well, I feel like, in my experience, this is what happened. When I was trying to go through that process alone. It felt very much like I was the feeling when you work with a coach, and somebody knows what they're doing. They allow you in that safe container to go, why don't we observe the feeling? That's not you? That's your experience. And now we can extract that and understand it and honor it. Yeah, and give it some space but not make it part of the identity anymore. And that was a really important part of the process for me personally.

Unknown: 54:31

Yeah, absolutely. I think there is a fear of being engulfed by the feeling some times people feel Oh, for sure.

Jaclyn Steele: 54:42

I'll be swallowed hole and my life will never be the same because this pain is too great.

Unknown: 54:48

I will never come out. Yeah. I will forever be in this ocean of pain. And you know doesn't have to be that way. You need to feel it like you do need to open it up and feel it. But then release it or I talk about transmuting it outcome icing it. It's not like these, you know, feelings are bad or something that we've got to get rid of all right, you know, it's just a full embrace of what's just there. And again, you know, the people pleasing, the not setting boundaries, the, you know, the constant burnout or, you know, many of these other things, these are symptoms of the fact that these emotions are often there underneath the surface or oppressed, not having been beautifully tended to cared for and felt. You know, I

Jaclyn Steele: 55:46

love the concept of divine dichotomy, you know, no light without dark. Oh, yeah, yeah, no joy. Without fear. We can't no love without emptiness. Like we need these juxtaposition of feelings, to feel the fullness that's possible. And I feel like human nature when we are in pain, is to withdraw. And then very often, that pain becomes part of the identity. And then when you realize that the pain is part of the identity, and you don't want it to be part of the identity anymore, there is a process in which it's almost like you're in a cocktail shaker, where you're like, I'm not exactly sure who I am without this. But the beauty is that in that process, you get to choose. And then you get to embody a much fuller version of yourself that has an expansive view and capacity to experience greater levels of joy, of contentment, of peace, because the pain and the fear and the stuckness. It keeps us in this state of what I feel like are what I would categorize as numbness. It's like we can't fully experience joy because it feels too vulnerable. Or we can't fully experience the sadness of a situation because that feels too scary. But going through this process of releasing what it is that keeps us stuck, allows us to reconnect what it feels like to be a kid with no inhibition. And everybody knows a person like that that's an adult in their lives. And I think all of us go, what do they have? And how do we get that? And I think it's a sense of emotional freedom.

Unknown: 57:47

Yeah, yeah. It's a really magical innocence, isn't it? Yeah. And it's that true essence itself, which coming back to where we started this like, it's just a love really,

Jaclyn Steele: 58:04

it's really love. It is it is though it is it's returning to that pure, beautiful, how to heal her who told me Just recently, she was like, You are sinless. And I'd like sat with that for a second. And I was like, Okay, what does this mean? What have I done in my life that I need to atone for? And she looked at me and she could tell that that's what I was thinking and she looked at me again again, and she goes, You are sinless. And it was so beautiful. But that takes me back to that childlike innocence, that purity that uninhibited heart that is just so willing and open to participate in life. The inhibited heart Yeah. Ah, okay. I want to ask you some rapid fire questions to wrap up and I'm so sad we're wrapping up because I'm having so much fun talking to you. But these are just whatever comes to mind first there's no right or wrong answer. What do you take comfort in nature? Oh, me too. What instantly? Yeah.

Unknown: 59:27

All aspects of nature no question because I think about the Australian bush when I say nature which is obviously you know, the earthiness and I can smell the you know, the eucalyptus as I speak um, I have to say you know, the water element is so important for my sense of you know, well being and, and self and whether that just be a magnesium bath, or I'm guessing it the river here,

Jaclyn Steele: 59:53

and we're in Australia, are you? Well, I'm actually in New York City. If you can believe it. Hi. Oh, yes. And we're about to you. I'm in Sedona, Arizona. Oh My Goodness me. So your magical visit?

Unknown: 1:00:09

Ah

Jaclyn Steele: 1:00:12

It is heaven.

Unknown: 1:00:15

Thank you and I could talk for ages. But I yeah, I lived upon diabetes to Australia for

Jaclyn Steele: 1:00:24

all my that's that's on my bucket list. I have not been to Australia yet but I cannot wait to go. You will love it. I know. Iron by faces up your alley. Yeah, I can feel it in my bones. What instantly brings you joy? I mean, the sunshine cold winter here in New York as well. And quarantine from Oh, yeah. Who are what has been your greatest teacher?

Unknown: 1:00:56

Oh, you know, I had a an accident when I was in my early 20s. And I shattered my my kneecap. I was told I might not walk again. And so you can imagine how many reconstructive surgeries I have had and how much healing I have had. But I think that it was probably I would say my knee is my greatest teacher. And the whole experience has been my greatest teacher. And partly because it taught me about, you know, the fallibility of the human body and the sacredness. Oh, yeah, that we have just such a limited time in this beautiful sacred temple that we're in and just to really honor and love and care for ourselves and everything.

Jaclyn Steele: 1:01:47

That just brings tears to my eyes. My healer told me she said the body always tells the truth. Yeah, you have to listen. So true. Great book. Women can be yours. Oh, my goodness. Um, yeah, women who run with the world, there's definitely got to be the chance a chance that I keep Yeah. Yeah, that's an incredible book. I love that book two. best piece of advice you've been given? Oh, I think my

Unknown: 1:02:29

my PhD supervisor, actually, you know, from many moons ago, so powerful Aboriginal woman in Australia said to me, on the first day of selling my doctorate, she said question everything. Everything. And I think that has stood me in good stead. You know, it's about being cynical or distrusting. But it's always about asking that question of, you know, why? What? Why are they so well like this? And then satisfy yourself with your answer?

Jaclyn Steele: 1:03:05

Shake my life. Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. What do you want our dear listeners to take away from this episode? Oh,

Unknown: 1:03:16

it's absolutely possible. You know, it is possible to create your own love story. It's possible to overcome any blocks that you have to. And it's not as hard as you think.

Jaclyn Steele: 1:03:34

The fear is always worse. Yeah. And the reality. Yeah, and lucky for us, there are healers like you in the world who can help us in this process of healing? Not just it's a true honor to get to do this work. I so agree. Okay, last question. Where can people find you online, and I will link all of it in the show notes.

Unknown: 1:04:00

Amazing. Well, as you Spencer calm is my website. So you spell that azz IE, Spencer SP MC is calm. My website has a free quiz. If you're interested in finding out like what's your love block? Go over there and take the quiz comm slash quiz. It's a really cute little quiz. And when you take the quiz, you also receive a love potion to help you to dissolve. Oh, I

Jaclyn Steele: 1:04:29

love the hat. And I've been on your your website. I haven't taken the quiz yet, but your website is just so lovely and inviting. It feels very representative of you. Oh, thank you. That's beautiful. Even more reflection. I appreciate that. Oh, of course. Um

Unknown: 1:04:51

I don't want Instagram as well if you send an Instagram so I love to riff on Insta stories and I'd love to chat so feel free to come over and DM me and get in Touch because I think it's wonderful to have a connection and kind of flow and I love to hear from people you know they've connected with my energy what's resonated you know what's, what's going on for them all the things So know that that door is open.

Jaclyn Steele: 1:05:18

Thank you so much for being here. Huh? See the true pleasure. Thank you for inviting me. Oh, anytime. Anytime you want to come back you have an open invite.

Unknown: 1:05:31

I love it.