Are you in an unconditional or conditional relationship?

What is unconditional love?  And what does it look like?  For most of my life, I thought I knew the answer to this, but recently, I’ve been rethinking what unconditional love really is.

For so long and for so many, the concept of unconditional love has been equated with an extreme version of “turning the other cheek.” But for those of us who keep turning that cheek, this doesn’t really feel like love.  It feels more like a one-sided relationship.  And for those who expect us to keep turning that cheek, that does not feel like love either.

Mark Nepo said "unconditional love is not the hole in us that receives the dirt, but the sun within us that never stops shining.” - We are exploring what this means in today’s episode of Self Discovery.

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The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo

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Light, Love, & Peace,

Jaclyn Steele

Transcript

Jaclyn Steele: 0:00

unconditional love is not so much about how we receive and endure each other, as it is about the deeper vow to never, under any condition. Stop bringing the flawed truth of who we are to each other. Mark Nebo Hi, I am Jaclyn Steele and welcome to self discovery. Howard Thurman so beautifully wrote, don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive, coming alive. That my friends, is what self discovery is all. You were that man. Hello friends and welcome to today's episode of self discovery. I am finding myself so excited to speak with you today about the topic that we are going to talk about which is unconditional love. Before I dive into this, what seems like a very simple topic but actually has so much brewing beneath the surface. I do want to say please leave me review if you haven't. If you like this podcast and you have been listening to it for a while and you are gaining some sustenance, and empowerment and encouragement from it, please leave me a review. It makes such a giant difference. I listened to every single one of them. Which by the way, now that segues perfectly into a self discovery spotlight of a recent review that was left on Apple podcasts. I'm going to read it now. Ash writes love this podcast. Jacqueline paints the world with beauty through her words and beautiful soul in this podcast. Her words resonate to the depths of the soul as she uses her words for healing and educating. Thank you for spreading your magic in the world and leaving it a little better than you found it.

Unknown: 2:14

Oh, this

Jaclyn Steele: 2:14

is exactly why I make this podcast ash. So thank you so much for taking the time to leave it a review. Second thing you guys already know what I'm going to talk about join the sacred rebel affirmation group. All you have to do is text me at 480-531-6858 that's also in the show notes again, it's 480-531-6858 and type sacred after you opt in and you will get several texts from me during the week that I just know they're going to land right at the right time. They're encouraging uplifting, help you to just feel present in the moment alive. texts. So please join that group. I'd love to have you it's completely free. Alright, trying to think if I have any other business to talk to you guys about I really don't. I'm sitting here in my office. I'm in Arizona. If you've been following me on this podcast journey from the beginning, you know it has taken me all over the place. I started it in Athens, Georgia, then I lived in an RV for 10 months traveling around and now I am in the Phoenix area of Arizona and absolutely loving it, especially now that the weather is cooling off. So much more now that the weather is cooling off. And I'm sitting in my office, we got our storage unit delivered to us after being without it for 13 months. And I am not surrounded by boxes. But there are several boxes around. I put all my books away which my books for me are like my long lost friends in bookcases that I bought. And they are beautifully displayed behind me and I feel I feel a renewed sense of energy in this office because before I had my belongings, it was just four white walls and a makeshift desk because the desk that I ordered, it actually just came in. I ordered it in April. It's now the end of September. It'll be close to the beginning of October when you listen to this podcast and I've been waiting for five months for this desk. So I have felt very disheveled in my office. And as somebody who loves beauty and interior design and creativity it's been hard for me to be in here and really focus because it has felt so off kilter for me and not aligned with what I really like my office to be So I'm starting to feel it's moving in the right direction. I love to be surrounded by beautiful things and things that I appreciate like candles and essential oils and Oracle cards and books. And I have this gorgeous glass Blackboard that I'm going to hang and be able to put quotes up there and my goals and what I want to do in the next year, and so I am, I'm just feeling really, really grateful right now and really excited. So I started this episode with a quote from Mark nepo. And he has a book, if you haven't heard of it called the book of awakening, and it is a daily devotional book, and the subtitle is having the life you want by being present to the life that you have. And as I was reading one of the passages this week, it really, it hit me in a way that I had never well let me say this, it's on unconditional love. And it made me think about unconditional love in a way that I have never considered it before. And unconditional love or a god Bay is one of those things, especially in religion and in faith that's talked about frequently. And I've always thought unconditional love is continuing to show up for the people that you love no matter what. And I think that is a definition or an understanding that is pretty common. And this passage that I'm going to read to you from this book, the book of awakening challenges that norm. So here it is. And I'm going to read the quote again, unconditional love is not so much about how we receive and endorse each other, as it is about the deep vowed and never, under any condition, stop bringing the flawed truth of who we are to each other. Then Mark goes on to say much is said about unconditional love today. And I fear that it has been misconstrued as an extreme form of turning the other cheek, which to anyone who has been abused is not good advice. However, this exaggerated passivity is quite different from the unimpeded flow of love that carries who we are. In truth, Unconditional Love does not require a passive exempted acceptance of whatever happens in the name of love. Rather, in the real spaces of our daily relationships, it means maintaining a commitment that no condition will keep us from bringing all of who we are to each other. Honestly, for example, on any given day, I might be preoccupied with my own needs, and might overlook or bruise what you need and hurt you. But then you tell me and show me your hurt. And I feel bad and you accept that sometimes I go blind to those around me. But we look deeply on each other, and you accept my flaws, but not my behavior. And I am grateful for the chance to work on myself. Somehow, it all brings us closer. Unconditional Love is not the hole in us that receives the dirt. But the sun within us that never stops shining. I read this and I immediately looked at my husband and I was like you have got to read this passage. It is so beautiful. It absolutely stopped me in my tracks. And why is that? Because like I mentioned earlier throughout my life, when unconditional love is brought up. It is treated as an extreme version of turning the other cheek. It is treated as an extreme version of passivity. And like Mark said, if you are somebody who has been abused, whether that's physical, emotional, whatever, this is not a healthy practice. And what he is saying is, that's not actually unconditional love. Because the person on the other end, if they are continuing to be abusive or not respecting your boundaries, they aren't loving you back. Alright, so you guys know that I love examples. And in this case when it comes to unconditional love, I want to share a couple stories about myself and experiences that I've had in my life. So I grew up in the church. I grew up in a very conservative Christian household, I went to a private school through sixth grade. And I subscribe deeply to the Christian narrative. And I still do in many areas. However, I was a turn the other cheek or to the extreme, I was so passive, because I thought that according to my faith was what was required of me to be Jesus like. And without going too deep into religious text, Jesus did say we should turn the other cheek. But Jesus also admonished people when they were in the wrong, and tried to set them straight in love, and in kindness. So the first story I want to talk to you about is one that happened in high school. And I'm not going to mention these person's names, because at this point, it doesn't really matter. So I'm going to call them Ashley and Jason. And what happened was, I, my freshman year of high school, was dating Jason. And Ashley was my best friend. And sometime in the first semester of school, I went to Hawaii, with my family for a couple of weeks. And while I was in Hawaii, another one of my friends messaged me, and she said, I just saw Ashley and Jason walking down the street, and they were holding hands, do you know about this? And it was in the days of aim. So I know that I'm aging myself, but that's fine. And I was so shocked. I was in Hawaii, and I was like my best friend. And my boyfriend have just been seen holding hands. But before I jumped to conclusions, I'm going to ask some clarifying questions. And so time went on. I don't remember the details exactly if I got a hold of them while I was still in Hawaii or not. But I got them both gifts. Because I had planned on doing that. I got Jason t shirt from one of his favorite brands. And I don't remember what I got Ashley, probably like puka shells or something Hawaiian. And I returned home. And my naive self, my extreme turn the other cheek herself, wanted to continue to be friends with them, despite the betrayal, of Jason going after my best friend, and my best friend going after my boyfriend. And so I gave them their gifts. I was proactive about saying something to the effect of this hurt me, but I want to be able to be friends with you. And I thought that we wouldn't be able to be friends still. I was such a loyal little Lydia, when I was that age, and I so craved friendship that I was willing to take scraps. And what happened was, from my perspective, they were so surprised that I was so willing to continue to be friends with them, that they actually did the opposite. And ostracize me and actually went on to spread rumors about me and say all kinds of things. She was on the yearbook committee, she took me out of yearbook photos. I mean, it was a really cruel, cruel thing, after I had tried several times to continue to be friends with them. And the takeaway of that is, my sweet freshman yourself, was trying to exercise unconditional love in an environment that didn't warrant unconditional love. And it's so important to understand what environments are worthy of the Golden pneus of our hearts? And what environments are absolutely not worthy of the Golden pneus of our hearts. That doesn't give us an excuse to be mean or vindictive or violent toward people in any way. But that does allow us to say I wish you light and love and also we don't need to be in each other's lives and that's perfectly okay. All right, we have come to the part of the episode that I have dubbed. These are a few of my favorite things, and today I'm going to introduce you to organic basics. Here is how they pride themselves on their website. And I think this is significant because it displays their commitment to excellence and also their awesome Danish personality as a company. I have Danish heritage. So I definitely wanted to highlight this part, there is one swear word to follow, so shield your children's ears. the fashion industry is a dirty bastard. So we put sustainable thinking at the center of everything. That means we only choose fabrics that care for our environment, and we only ever partner with factories that care about their impact, too. When we say sustainability is our core mission, we don't mean that sustainability is nice to have, we mean that it's the only way we act. That mission is why I love organic basics so much well, that and the quality of their items. There's such a giant difference between a fast fashion basic and the quality of what organic basics brings to the table. Their apparel and undergarments are built to last and you will be able to see that before even opening the beautifully branded box they come in. I have their tank and panties and dusty rose from their tensile collection. Let me just say it was a love connection before I even put them on. The tensile collection is a silky feeling material made sustainably of wood pulp, so freaking soft. And you guys know I'm picky about my color choices. And their color selection is just Oh, it's so dang beautiful, visit organic basics calm and use the discount code in the show notes below. Or you can visit Jaclyn Steele comm slash organic basics to pique my favorite ob finds and get 10% off all links and codes are in the show notes below. And now back to the episode. Many use another example from my own life. I have a family member. And I'm sure so many of you are in this boat, who has repeatedly been verbally abusive to me, just torn me a new a new, you know what, multiple times over throughout my life. It's a situation where it's unexpected, and it catches me off guard. And I'm left feeling like the world just crumbled around me like holy s what just happened. And historically, until the last seven years or so, I have said to this person, something to the effect of it's not okay to speak to me like that. But I love you unconditionally. And I'll always be here for you. Even after saying this over and over this verbal abuse, even though I've allowed this person not allowed, even though I have verbalized my feelings over and over to this person. This verbal abuse has continued to happen throughout my entire life. And it's really only been like I said in the last seven or so years that I've understood that returning to this person in this way and saying, You can't talk to me like that. But I love you unconditionally, and always be there for you is not unconditional love. It's a warped sense of moral duty. And in some ways, a warped sense of what Jesus was saying when he was saying to turn the other cheek. Jesus didn't want us to continue opening ourselves up to be hurt over and over and over and over and over again, and not learn the lesson of who is safe and who is not. So here's the thing, we're all flawed, myself included, I have blind spots as well. But unconditional love is not continuing to participate in relationships that leave us feeling manipulated or confused, or hurt or used or WTF just happened. And you all know those kinds of scenarios where you leave and you're like, something doesn't feel right. Unconditional Love My beautiful, beautiful listeners and what a privilege it is to have you here today. Unconditional Love is continuing to bring the whole flaws included version of ourselves to the table. And to me that means kindly, lovingly, consistently, being true to ourselves. So for instance, with Ashley and Jason, the unconditional love approach would have been something like, hey, what you guys did behind my back was wrong, and it hurt me. I understand that you're human, and I'm choosing to work on forgiving you the best way that I know how And I wish you well in your future endeavors. And then I would gracefully take my leave and choose not to participate in a relationship with either of them. With my verbally abusive family member, a much healthier approach would have been. And now I know this from experience, hey, I love you, I can see that you are upset. But this way of speaking to me is not okay with me. I'm going to leave now and take some space. And if and when I'm ready to speak with you, I will let you know and calmly hang up the phone or leave the space. Unconditional love to me is creating a scenario in which we are able to have inner peace in the midst of relationship. And we all know relationship is not easy. Any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic, or a friendship, or just out and about in the world. And having peace in the midst of relationship is not easy. Relationships are hard and messy and confusing. And our egos can get involved and make us really, really, really want to be right. I'm guilty of that, too. This is all part of it. It's all part of the opportunity in relationships to go to the next level of relationship. However, this is where so many of us stop, we get uncomfortable, and we don't want to deal with the discomfort. Or we get scared that if we say something, we will lose that person in our lives. But again, unconditional love is bringing the flawed fullness of ourselves to the table. And if we are hurting someone, or someone is hurting us, they have a right to say something and so do we will it be uncomfortable, probably. But it is also the opportunity to usher in a new level of relationship that is infinitely healthier. And if that person refuses to speak to you anymore, because you bring up your feelings, then it says a lot more about them than it does about you. I've spoken so much about fear lately, because it seems to be gripping on to everything in our world. It's understandable, we're in a time where there is a lot of uncertainty and mystery around the information out there. When it comes to relationships, though, at 35 years old, now I'm realizing some things and I want to share them. Number one, I want unconditional love to be part of every real relationship I have. Like I said, I'm 35 years old. And if there isn't a sense of reciprocity and ease, I don't want to be investing my time in it. I want to be able to speak my mind. And I want the person I'm in a relationship with to be able to speak their mind to if both parties are willing to do this and hold space, even in discomfort than the depth of relationship that ensues is worth a million surface level relationships to me. And I'll say and admit my honesty has caused relationships in my 35 years of existence to sometimes end. But on the flip side, my honesty, truth spoken in love has also caused some of my relationships become so much healthier and brighter and bolder and more fulfilling. relationships that I believe will be lifelong, and are so such a huge source of encouragement and comfort and growth in my life. Second thing I want to share is I want to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And that means allowing someone to tell me something that hurts my pride or my ego. It also means saying what is on my heart, even if it makes someone I care about uncomfortable. Historically, and I know so many of you can relate to this. I have often been a people pleaser. This has left me feeling more often than not like I'm getting the short end of the stick in relationships. Like I show up more heartily and fully than the other party shows up for me. And with my hashimotos diagnosis last year, I had to read Think how I was approaching so many of these relationships in my life. The root of hashimotos. And hypothyroidism in general is unexpressed emotion. And what I have uncovered upon reflection, is that I have a tendency to allow myself to be really uncomfortable, so as not to make other people have any level of discomfort. So that has meant me swallowing my feelings, or allowing myself to be knowingly manipulated or used or treated in a way that leaves me feeling like something just isn't quite right now, I'm writing the ship. And it gets uncomfortable. Let me tell you, it does. In some relationships, I haven't voiced concern over things that have bothered me for a long time. And now when I do, it's uncomfortable for everyone to address. But this is part of the process. And at the end of the day, though, I never want to intentionally hurt anyone. I'm finding that my inner peace is priceless. priceless. The third thing is piggybacking off of what I just said about inner peace being priceless, inner peace is priceless. And for me, I don't have inner peace, that sense that the water is still inside of me. Unless I have a clean slate in my relationships. I want people to know where I stand beyond a shadow of a doubt. I want to live in line with my integrity. And I want to love myself and respect myself enough to say something when there is a boundary being crossed. Again, in the past, I have thought turning the other cheek is the Most Merciful thing. But now I'm realizing turning the other cheek was often a cop out. If a situation is a one off, to me, it's not that big of a deal. Somebody crosses a boundary once, it could just be a mistake. But if a situation becomes a repeating pattern, that leaves me feeling confused, or hurt or manipulated. It's worth saying something. The flip side of the coin is that if we choose not to say anything, that energy stays with us, and it festers. And guess what, generally it comes out in that relationship, or another one in a passive aggressive or angry or destructive way. So again, I value my inner peace and my inner peace is one by being honest, even when it makes someone uncomfortable. Otherwise, I'm the one stewing in discomfort. And I'm unwilling to continue to participate in that kind of toxic system. It's just not worth it for me. One more thing I want to adjust when it comes to unconditional love. And that is kindness. Speaking the truth does not equate to being mean, or being unkind. We can speak it in a way. That is the highest level of kindness. I was in a business coaching session this week. And the business coach I was speaking with was talking about a session he had with a group of police officers. They were talking about their core values as a group and wanting kindness to be one of their core values. And one cop bravely argued something to the effect of, but my job sometimes requires me to be unkind. I'm required to pull people over and give them a speeding ticket. If they are speeding. They don't see that as very kind. And the business coach refuted this by saying actually, that is the ultimate act of kindness. You are protecting that person from hurting themselves and others. I love this example so much because it translates so beautifully to unconditional love. When we are brave enough to speak the truth in love, then we are protecting ourselves and others. When we come to the table fully as our flawed selves and the other party is receptive. We are able to enter into a level of relationship that we all as human beings crave. One where we feel safe, to truly be ourselves and be seen as ourselves. This again can be uncomfortable, especially if we are on the receiving end of someone telling us how we hurt them. But if We are brave enough to listen and open our hearts and let our egos take a backseat. There is so much opportunity for learning for us to. And if the person you are in a relationship with, whether that be a romantic partner or a family member or a friend is unwilling to have this depth of relationship with you, then knowing that is also extremely helpful. For me, I send those people light and love. And if our paths cross, that's fine. But I know that they are not the type of relationship I want to prioritize or spend a lot of time or energy on. If I can't be myself, and show up fully and share my feelings. That's not a real friendship to me. And if anyone on the opposite end of a relationship with me, feels that they cannot show up fully as their biggest, brightest, boldest selves and share their feelings with me, even if it is them sharing that I hurt them. And that's not a real relationship. For truly just as Mark said in this passage, unconditional love is not the hole in us that receives the dirt. But the sun within us that never stops shining. So shine my friend. Be brave enough to be your truest, most honest self and allow the space for the people you love to do this thing.